Wow, it’s nearly been over a year since my last post. Let just tell you, there have been so many changes and not enough time to just sit and reflect on it. I am shocked, blessed, sad, changed, and moved all in one vessel. Medical school has been a fun and amazing journey, but also mind altering in ways that I cannot really describe and I am wondering if other medical students have felt this way before. I have already dreamt of being accepted into medical school and I imagined that day for so many years. 

Throughout my educational journey, there have been highs and lows that changed me and my perspective about things. When there were lows, I had to reassess my situation, cry, process, learn from it and move on. When there were highs, I would be happy for a quick second, give thanks to the Creator, be grateful, and plan for another accomplishment. Each low and high situation always left me trying to find a lesson about each situation. Sometimes, that lesson would appear very quickly and obviously while other times it came to be many months later. 

When I graduated from my master’s program, I was feeling unsure, hopeful, and prepared. I prayed, practiced, cried, and practiced again. I had to really dig deep and buckle down to get what I wanted – which was to get into medical school. After the help of friends, family, peers, and mentors, that dream of receiving the phone call that I was accepted sent chills down my spine. I cried, danced, and squealed like a little girl. I loved that. The first person I called was my grandma, then mom, and then told my roommates. After that, I was grateful. The summer was so blissful, peaceful, and that felt like the moment where I thought to myself ‘I won’. I was so happy. 

The summer we returned back for medical school, I had experienced some immense pain and a sense of what felt like betrayal. I never really considered myself problematic but I do agree that at times, I would self-isolate to lock-in for a test and also all throughout my life, I always considered myself “independent” but wanted to be connected to people and build community. It always felt like no matter what I did, I was always experiencing happiness and connectedness from the window and everyone else was inside the house. I tried to investigate that and explore why it was like that but the answer always came back to trauma. 

I never realized that struggling with trauma looks different for everyone and the journey to healing can take years and various attempts at managing it through different techniques, styles, and support. Reflecting back on this, I realized that the trauma that I encountered really changed the way I interacted with people. I tried to change that with different tactics but I always felt like an outsider still. 

When I returned from break and began my journey into medical school, I realized that the friends and acquaintances that I made during the master’s program would change and I realized that I lost contact and lost friendships with many of them. It was brutally hurtful and no matter how much I tried to not take it personally, my innate response was to immediately think that there was something wrong with me. But, in reality, sometimes there is no fault to the breaking up of relationships. Medical school taught me that relationships change, breakup, or get stronger. It made me realize that I needed to really put myself out there, show up for people, ask people to show up for me, and really pay attention and nourish those relationships that made me feel good. I realized that many of my past friendships were ‘transactional’, or were fueled by anger, resentment, gossip, or rumor hungry personalities that I personally would shut down or shut them out because those things don’t align with me. And I realized soon that I would end up alone again. On the bright side, I realized that there were also people who had similar experiences and feelings as I did with relationships and it made me feel less alone. It made me feel grateful and it made me understand that to feel these things, have these thoughts, and share them with others is part of the human experience. It’s part of life. 

Despite losing people that I truly cared for, I encountered others that made me realize I am a likeable person, I am funny, and I am me. I can be my authentic self and no one is going to judge me. I can be my authentic self and there are people out there that appreciate that. I appreciate them. It was reciprocal and beautiful. I am grateful for those people. A few things that I have learned and maintained for self-care and maintaining relationships was:

1. Checking in with friends, mentors, and family
2. Planning to meet for dinner, lunch, coffee, studying
3. Exercise
4. Eating right (meal prep, planning meals, proper nutrition)

In terms of medical education, I realized that there have been a lot of changes and approaches with the way I have been studying. Some vary, some stay the same, and some I just did what I could do to survive. A few things that I could say I learned was the importance of effective learning in a fast-paced environment was:

1. Interleaving 
2. Active learning
3. Spaced repetition
4. Active recall
5. Taking accountability for my education such as going to office hours, taking advantage of tutoring, coming prepared with questions, attempting to figure it out on my own, talking out concepts with friends or to self, quizzing myself, asking for help, and staying organized with my time, schedule, deadlines, and notes

Taking control over your experience is also super important. I was also able to collaborate with others in research, be part of leadership, and also volunteer. I also had to learn how to speak up, ask questions, and come prepared with solutions if I bring up a problem. 

I also learned how to be uncomfortable in spaces where I am not ‘liked’ or ‘welcomed’ both if I feel that internally or experienced that externally. I have to come prepared to have a decompression ritual where I can fully take off my ‘coat’ and unwind for a few hours before I go back to studying. For me, doing chores and having a clean space helps me think clearly and makes me feel less of the chaos. Therefore, I try to do things in chunks then try to read a passage, watch a learning video, do some flashcards, or try to recall everything I know about a clinical correlation or pathological findings and then try to fill in the gaps after my break. Plus, I am very visual learner, so typically when it comes down to auditory things without visuals like a boring video lecture, I would try to pre-read the slides first, ask questions, develop overarching themes from the presentation, try to relate it back to the big concepts they want us to know, and then during lecture, try to fill in those gaps, questions, or concepts. The biggest piece of advice that I have also learned is that the more organized, more prepared, and more patient we are with ourselves, the better we are in terms of being gracious to ourselves, kinder, and wiser. 

Despite medical school sometimes feeling depressing, overwhelming, or defeating, we must always remember to show ourselves some grace. We are doing the best we can and trying to make the most out of it because at the end of the day, we are just doing our best. This is for our future, our future patients, and our goal of providing the best care for all. Even though it might feel endless or there is this sense of despair, just know that there are other people out there who know that feeling, there are younger generations looking up to you, and that you are so loved. We are sometimes really really hard on ourselves and sometimes our inner thoughts win or get the best of us. However, we are just doing our best and we deserve to have an enjoyable life full of love, laughter, curiosity, and fun. 

One goal that I am also trying to incorporate is being more open, meeting new people, prioritizing sleep, trying to squeeze in self-care, and trying to be gracious to myself. I deserve rewards and I have to keep reminding myself to not compare. Everyone is on their own journey and mine looks different and is unique to me. I also have to lower my expectations when it comes to my expected outcome for something and being flexible and gracious to accept it. I am learning to do that but that is still a struggle. It reminds me that I am human, imperfect, and again just trying to do my best out here. Sometimes, that’s the best we can do in a situation and I am trying to find the good in each situation as well as finding situations as a lesson. For now, I continue to reflect and be grateful. But until next time, my friends. Stay safe!