Spring 2023

Taking down the last holiday ornaments from the tree felt bittersweet. The stinging haunted me as I was unsure of where life would actually take me in a few months. Scared yet inspired, I continued to keep my head down at my job. Focusing on the bigger picture reminded me of the many sweet things that I wanted to accomplish. While making a vision board would have been nice, I never found myself as a crafty person snipping images from magazines and pasting them onto a paperboard. It’s actually funny because while I don’t have a vision board, I always found myself daydreaming of my future goals. Writing about it now makes me cringe a little, yet here I am – trying to find the right words to express the feeling of Spring 2023. 

Spring 2023 reminds me again of how bittersweet it was. I guess let’s talk about the bitter and finish with the sweet, per usual. Bitterness appeared when I decided to take my MCAT…again. Admittingly, I did not study as much. I was disappointed in how I performed during the last MCAT season and felt super disheartened. The feeling of disappointment and feeling like failure churned inside of me. Images of the score I had haunted me. It might sound a little dramatic to a few, but honestly, it did haunt me. So, when I retook my MCAT, I fell into my own trap. I overthought, did not study, didn’t understand how I should study, and took advice from folks that were in a better spot than I was. Taking the exam felt like not only was I planning when I needed to test, how many weeks in advance to notify my boss, when the test would come back, when to apply, when to submit, budget for applications, and budget for supplement applications. Additionally, it felt stressful finding the budget to pay for my travel to different states to complete the exam including flights, car rentals, lodging, and food. When I come across a few accounts on social media, especially the pre-med ones, the portion is seldom mentioned. I digress. Opening the second score was another rude awakening. Rushing to find alternative routes to medical school, I had a deep conversation with my undergrad and post-bacc mentors. Each one provided a unique response that left me feeling supported, understood, and seen. After much deliberation, I decided to apply to a master’s program.

Spring 2023 was also very sweet. Meeting new people was a priority for me. Making those connections, learning different communication styles, different personalities, and different upbringings inspired me to ponder about how my actions, thoughts, and service to others was going to hugely impact the various populations I encountered. Spring 2023 brought so much smiles and laughter. Staying up until 5 in the morning on the phone, laughing until my cheeks were sore, and abdomen hurting, I found I could talk to. It opened up spaces in myself that I didn’t know existed and it opened up areas that internally were blocked such as not taking life too seriously and just enjoying the moment. Taking time to laugh and joke more showed me that I once used to be funny and free-spirited. Somewhere down my growing up journey, I realized that I lost it. A good person reminded me of that. 

Summer 2023

I have to admit that I applied to various master’s programs. I applied to schools I could see myself attending and feeling awesome about it. I applied and received phone calls from recruiters, and faculty. After the first interview, I was happy. More waiting occurred. Meanwhile, in my job, I felt like I was doing pretty awesome. At this point, I had assisted in a handful of vasectomies, did mock differentials in the clinic, observed other surgical procedures that felt foreign, and worked more closely with cancer patients. It reminded me of why I wanted to begin this journey. Summer 2023 was the growth period and reflection period. Growth happened after just learning more about myself and finding alternative routes to ultimately help me become a physician. Seeing patients in the clinic who looked like me, talking to them in my indigenous language,and then being encouraged by elders to keep going really helped further solidify my desire to be a physician. Reflection was continuous during the summer. I had to reflect on how far I have traveled with my pre-medical journey, the fire that I continuously fueled, and the passion that I have towards wanting to provide safe spaces for patients to feel seen, taken care of, and acknowledged. A lot of reflection with my relationships also surfaced. Many tears were shed and meetings with my mentors, family, and family friends were constant. They lifted me in my darkest moments that I was too ashamed or shy to share. The light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel feeling finally started making an appearance once I saw my grandparents.

Seeing my grandparents is instant relief. It’s like I can take off my heavy coat, fall to my knees, and be a little girl again without judgment, criticism, or aggression. Seeing the rolling green hills, smelling the scent of agriculture and farming, and the noticing lighter traffic on the country highways, a sense of serenity fills inside of me. Crossing the Nebraska-South Dakota border and inching closer to Grandma’s house, I get giddy, like a little girl again. Finally, smelling the comforting smell of burned sage, hot tortillas, and coffee as I entered her house, I silently told myself “I’m home.” The warm hugs and welcoming smiles from my grandma, uncle, and cousins remind me of all my support–my backbone. I’m home. After a brief hugging session, we made our way to the Sundance grounds. Over the hill stands a white cook shed surrounded by teepees, sage, grass, and the sacred Sundance arena.Grandpa sat in his usual chair awaiting our arrival and greeting him with a bear hug again makes me feel like a little girl again–safe. Over the next few days, I spent those hot summer days finding solutions to stay cool without my air conditioning or cold drinks. Glamping is on my agenda but for a few days out of the year, I will “rough it” and spend it in a clean tent and a clean outhouse. Spending that time helping Grandma cook, catching up with family friends, and engulfing myself in the sacredness of the ceremony filled my cup. In the middle of the week, I received various calls on my acceptances. Seeing the look on my grandparents’ face when I told them about my acceptances was magical and indelible. 

Upon my arrival in Arizona, I had to pack in 3 days and move to a different state in 7 days. I had to find and secure an apartment, complete the essential school admissions stuff, and move EVERYTHING so quickly. I never made so many phone calls in my life. I notified my boss, the physicians I worked with, my mentors, and my friends. Finally, the day arrived –moving day. A few days later, we started school. 

Fall 2023

I was nervous to begin a new program. I mean, this was my first master’s program. This was the first time in a long time that I would move to a different state. While my time at Harvard was for a few months for a research fellowship and I returned back to Arizona, I always craved for more experiences like that. This was my opportunity to move and do it alone. I was okay with that. I want to share my experiences more with folks looking to do the same thing, for young indigenous youth, and most importantly my niece and nephew. Fall arrived and ended so quickly. I felt like I barely had enough time to say “happy holidays” and fall ended. The program was hard and continues to be hard but I think I am adjusting a lot better. I was quite successful once I learned how to work with my weaknesses and turn them into strengths. It required a lot of self-discipline, humility, courage, and self-love. Fall was hard. I met so many wonderful people. I learned how to talk to people again. While there were some mistakes along the way this year, I do not regret them because it showed me who I was, what I wanted, and how I can improve on myself. Overall, fall was cool. For a moment, I had butterflies again. It was awesome. Admiration, desire, and generosity were some themes that come to mind. I honor that. I cherish it. Even if those feelings came and left, I appreciated it. I learned from it. I still hold love and respect. 

Winter 2023

Winter arrived with another bittersweet feeling. Reflection once again was another theme. A reflection of myself, my accomplishments, my hardships, and my losses were made. I celebrate and honor each of them. Food, family, traditions, culture, and language were some common things that swirled in the house. Aside from the seriousness, I played a lot with my niece and nephew too! My niece is obsessed with mermaids, Barbies, and unicorns whereas my nephew loves Godzilla, helicopters, legos, Star Wars, and Star Trek. Waking up to the energy in the morning with those two made me question whether or not I needed coffee that day. Most days I did not need any caffeine as they were super energetic and it seemed to permeate through me.

On another note, going back to the reservation was much needed. Holiday games, food, and spending time with my grandparents left me happy once again. Coming back to the hogan with a wood burning stove reminded me of my days on the reservation with my parents as we visited with family. Realizing the strength of our matrilineal heritage, outspoken demeanor, and priceless handmade heirlooms that stand strongly showed me that while this year was filled with so many cool happenings and some painful experiences, I left 2023 strong, thankful, and humbled. Winter continues but will soon end. I am ready for 2024.